Routines

Building new routines remains difficult. I’m feeling drawn to sewing, so rather than waking up and writing with my coffee, I’ve been waking up and hemming. Still very productive, and pleasant, so does it matter that it isn’t my goal activity?

I’m not sure. On the one hand, it is still a positive activity/hobby— one that could help me have better-fitting clothing and rely less on fast fashion. It’s definitely a growth and learning opportunity, and I’m really happy with how I’m dealing with learning/adversity/progressing through things I don’t know how to do. In the past, I easily got overwhelmed when I didn’t know how to do things. Now, I seem to just be chugging along, doing my best, and figuring out what I can do better next time. All good things!

But…

Why can’t I do that with my writing?

Is the issue that it feels too much like my day job?

There’s certainly a part of it that doesn’t feel ideal — my work is already super sedentary, so having a completely sedentary hobby isn’t the best addition.

But I worry that I’m missing out on something important— writing helps me to think, helps me to shape the stories, lessons, and arguments that sit shapeless in my head. They’ll remain amorphous and emotional until I’m forced through the rigor of writing them down to wrangle with the complexities and contradictions in my arguments.

It’s an important process, and I understand that— but then why am I avoiding it?

Maybe it’s mostly because it is so easy to avoid— there are so many distractions, including productive ones like sewing, to spend my time on.

Maybe it’s also because I don’t have anyone to hold me accountable— not that I need a task-master, but there is no one in my life who is expecting rigorous thought of me, so I don’t feel the need to prepare. This, I think, is also the biggest opportunity— of course no one expects it, but that means that very few people are doing it— so if I do it, I can accomplish all sorts of things. But it requires the discipline to expect it of myself when no one else thinks it necessary.

Maybe it’s also that I’m afraid of what I’ll learn— about myself, the world, what I care about, what I don’t. If I look too carefully at myself or my life, I may find I’m spending my days in ways that aren’t consistent with my values. (Who are we kidding here? I definitely will find that. There is no value I hold that requires as much instagram scrolling as I’m currently doing.)

Can I believe in an audience here that is holding me accountable? That will expect rigorous thoughts, call me out when I don’t think well?

Let’s hope.